[Gen-art] review of draft-holmberg-dispatch-received-realm-08.txt

Francis Dupont <Francis.Dupont@fdupont.fr> Wed, 09 November 2016 14:52 UTC

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From: Francis Dupont <Francis.Dupont@fdupont.fr>
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Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2016 15:45:52 +0100
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Subject: [Gen-art] review of draft-holmberg-dispatch-received-realm-08.txt
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I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. The General Area
Review Team (Gen-ART) reviews all IETF documents being processed
by the IESG for the IETF Chair.  Please treat these comments just
like any other last call comments.

For more information, please see the FAQ at


Document: draft-holmberg-dispatch-received-realm-08.txt
Reviewer: Francis Dupont
Review Date: 20161103
IETF LC End Date: 20161123
IESG Telechat date: unknown

Summary: Almost Ready

Major issues: None

Minor issues: the wording should be improved by a native English writer
(there are no language construct I can't understand but some are clearly
incorrect and I am not sure someone for instance from Asia will have
no trouble).

Nits/editorial comments:
 - title page 1: Add SIP before "Via header"

 - ToC page 2 and 10 page 11: Acknowledgements -> Acknowledgments

 - 1.1 page 2: IMHO it is better to expand the SIP abbrev as it is done
  in the Abstract (note SIP is well known so it is not required to expand
  it at the first use).

 - 1.1 page 2: the SIP requests -> SIP requests

 - 1.1 page 2: transit network. -> transit networks.

 - 1.1 page 3 (wording): In order to do that ... , belongs.
  This construct is not natural at all in English

 - 1.2 page 3: e.g. -> , e.g., (and) (e.g. -> (e.g.,

 - 1.3 page 4 (at end of line): i.e. -> i.e.,

 - 2 page 4: perhaps there should be an extra comma in "based e.g., on..."?
  (I suggest to use "for instance")

 - 3 page 4: you don't list all RFC 2119 key words (I am not sure
  it is a problem but for instance MAY NOT is not there).

 - 5.3 page 5: proceudres -> procedures

 - 5.6.2 page 8: the received-realm rule is not indented as others

 - 6.2 page 8 and 6.3 page 9: (e.g. -> (e.g.,