Re: [AVTCORE] Genart last call review of draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14

Gunnar Hellström <gunnar.hellstrom@ghaccess.se> Fri, 07 May 2021 18:38 UTC

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To: Peter Yee <peter@akayla.com>, gen-art@ietf.org
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Subject: Re: [AVTCORE] Genart last call review of draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14
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Continuing with comments and edit proposals from "Nits/editorial 
comments:" below.

Den 2021-05-06 kl. 05:41, skrev Peter Yee via Datatracker:
> Reviewer: Peter Yee
> Review result: Ready with Issues
>
> I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. The General Area
> Review Team (Gen-ART) reviews all IETF documents being processed
> by the IESG for the IETF Chair.  Please treat these comments just
> like any other last call comments.
>
> For more information, please see the FAQ at
>
> <https://trac.ietf.org/trac/gen/wiki/GenArtfaq>.
>
> Document: draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14
> Reviewer: Peter Yee
> Review Date: 2021-05-05
> IETF LC End Date: 2021-05-03
> IESG Telechat date: Not scheduled for a telechat
>
> Summary: This draft specifies updates to RFC 4103 to allow real-time text
> mixing for both multiparty-aware and multiparty-unaware participants. It has
> some minor issues that should be addressed before publication. [Ready with
> issues]
>
> Major issues: None
>
> Minor issues:
[GH] Covered in a recent response.
>
>
> Nits/editorial comments:
>
> General:
> Change “multi-party” to “multiparty” throughout the document. While we are a
> bit inconsistent about that particular hyphenation within the IETF, all major
> dictionaries I sampled spell this as a single, non-hyphenated word.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Append a comma after each instance of “e.g.”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Change “multiparty aware” to “multiparty-aware” throughout the document except
> in two cases where you “multiparty awareness”, which should be left alone.
> These are located in section 4.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence and section 6.1,
> 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Change “fall-back” to “fallback” in a few places in the document. Both uses are
> found in the document.
[GH] Accepted and done.
> Change “RTP-mixer based” to “RTP-mixer-based” throughout the document.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Change “multiparty capable” to “multiparty-capable” throughout the document.
[GH] I suggest to change to "multiparty-aware" instead for consistency.
>
> Delete periods at the end of section/subsection titles, e.g., section 6.2.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Specific:
>
> Page 1, Abstract, 1st sentence: I’d rewrite it in the active voice as: “This
> document provides enhancements for RFC 4103 real-time text mixing suitable for
> a centralized conference model that enables source identification and rapidly
> interleaved transmission of text from different sources.”
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 1, Abstract, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert a hyphen between
> “multiparty” and “coded”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 5, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: I think I would change “in” to “at”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 5, 7th paragraph, 3rd sentence: delete “any”. Change “way” to “ways”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 6, section 1.1, 2nd paragraph: insert “are” before “as”.
[GH] Recently changed to just "are defined in" by proposal in another 
review. I suggest to keep that.
>
> Page 6, section 1.1, “WebRTC” term: change “web based” to “web-based”. Insert
> “real-time” before “communication”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 6, “DTLS-SRTP” term: delete “stands for security”. Insert “is a DTLS
> extension for use with SRTP/SRTCP” before “specified”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 6, “multiparty-aware” term: change “stands for” to “describes”. Append a
> comma after “real-time” before “separated”. Append a comma after “source”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 6, “multiparty-unaware”: change “stands for” to “describes”.
[GH] Accepted and done.Your use of hyphen in "multiparty-unaware" made 
me understand that that term also should be hyphenated all through the 
document. Done.
>
> Pages 7 and 8: delete the period after each of the non-indented lines, e.g., at
> the end of “Multiple RTP streams, one per participant.”
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 7, 1st block, 4th sentence: change “end to end” to “end-to-end”.
[GH] Accepted and done. Done also in one more location in 3.19 inserted 
in version -16.
>
> Page 7, 1st block, 11th sentence: append a comma after “participant”. Delete
> the following “and”. Insert “with” before “no”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
>
> Page 7, 1st block, 14th sentence: change “implementation” to “implementations”
> and delete “technologies” unless you really want the problem is in regards to
> technologies and not particular implementations.
[GH] Accepted and done, it looks better this way even if the problem may 
be common in certain implementation technologies.
>
> Page 7, 1st block 15th sentence: change “made” to “led to”. Insert “being”
> before “only”.
[GH] Accepted and done. From here all comments are accepted and done as 
proposed except where a specific answer is provided.
>
> Page 7, 2nd block, 1st sentence: insert “a” before “shorter”. Insert “the”
> before source”. Insert “the” before “CSRC”. Append field after “CSRC”.
>
> Page 7, 2nd block, 2nd sentence: insert “a” before the quoted “text/t140”.
>
> Page 7, 2nd block, 3rd sentence: delete the whole sentence.
>
> Page 7, 2nd block, 6th sentence: move “with” before “receivers”. Insert “having
> the” before “default”.
>
> Page 8, 1st partial block, 2nd full sentence: insert “it” before “corresponds”.
>
> Page 8, 1st full block, 6th sentence: change “be varying” to “vary”.
>
> Page 8, 1st full block, 9th sentence: change “while” to “When”.
>
> Page 9, section 1.3, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: change “calltaker” to “call
> taker”. Change “observing” to “to observe”.
>
> Page 11, section 2.4, 3rd paragraph: append a comma after “CSRC-list”.
>
> Page 12, section 3.1, 4th paragraph: change “From other aspects” to “In other
> regards”.
>
> Page 13, section 3.4, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert a hyphen between “10”
> and “second”.
>
> Page 13, section 3.4, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: delete “a” before “good”.
>
> Page 13, section 3.4, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “SHALL be” before
> “sent”. Insert “the” before “end”.
>
> Page 13, section 3.4, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: Append a period at the end
> of the sentence.
>
> Page 13, section 3.4, 3rd paragraph: change “in” to “as”.
>
> Page 13, section 3.6: insert a hyphen between “locally” and “produced”. Append
> “text” after “produced”.
>
> Page 14, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: delete the comma after “T140blocks”.
>
> Page 14, section 3.10, 1st paragraph after the bullet points, 1st sentence:
> insert “the” before “time”.
>
> Page 15, section 3.11, 2nd paragraph: append a comma after “switch”. Change
> “poulated” to “populated”.
>
> Page 15, section 3.12, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “next”.
>
> Page 15, section 3.12, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “next”.
>
> Page 15, section 3.12, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “number” to “level”.
>
> Page 16, section 3.14, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete an extraneous space
> after “(“.
>
> Page 16, section 3.14, 1st paragraph, last sentence: insert “self-sourced”
> before “data”. Delete “that it is source of itself”.
>
> Page 16, section 3.16, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after
> “CNAME”.
>
> Page 17, section 3.17.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “The receiver
> SHALL monitor”. Change “The” to “the”. Delete “SHALL be monitored”.
>
> Page 17, section 3.17.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after
> “case”. Insert “the receiver SHALL create” before “a t140block”. Delete “SHALL
> be created”. I’m suggesting but not certain that you might want to change “and
> assigned” to “associated with”.

[GH] Accepted and done, but also "accociated" is changed to "associate 
it" and "inserted" to "insert it" to match the grammar in the beginning 
of the sentence.

>
> Page 17, section 3.17.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change “if” to “whether”
> if you are amenable to that wording.
>
> Page 18, 2nd paragraph: delete an extraneous blank line before this paragraph.
>
> Page 18, section 3.18, 1st sentence: insert a hyphen between “10” and “second”.
>
> Page 19, section 3.19, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “session”. Insert
> “the” before “media”.
>
> Page 19, section 3.19, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “media”. Consider
> deleting “security by”.
>
> Page 19, section 3.19, 5th sentence: change “is” to “are”.
>
> Page 20, section 3.21, 4th sentence: append a period after “etc”.
>
> Page 21, 1st partial paragraph, 1st full sentence: insert “a” before “dropped”.
>
> Page 21, 1st full paragraph, 1st sentence: delete an extraneous space after
> “(“. Where the word “area” occurs, would that make more sense as “buffer” or
> “queue”?
[GH] Accepted and done. "area" changed to "buffer" only for this 
occurrance.
>
> Page 21, 1st full paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “initial” before the first
> “text”.
>
> Page 22, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “in” to “due to”.
>
> Page 22, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “packets” before “103”. Delete the
> comma after “103”.
>
> Page 22, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: there appears to be an adverb missing
> before “the”. Perhaps “during”?
[GH] Accepted and done. "during" used.
>
> Page 22, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “21040” to “21060”.
>
> Page 22, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change “needs” to “need”.
>
> Page 22, 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “21150” to “21160”.
>
> Page 23, section 4, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete “and”.
>
> Page 23, section 4, 3rd paragraph: consider changing “of” before “the text” to
> “conveyed in”.
>
> Page 24, 1st full paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert “a” before “replacement”.
>
> Page 24, 1st full paragraph, 4th sentence: change “just” to “the same”.
>
> Page 26, section 4.2, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert a hyphen between
> “best” and “effort”.
>
> Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after
> “simulated”.
>
> Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 4th sentence: change “is depending” to
> “depends”.
>
> Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 5th sentence: change “switch” to
> “switching”. Append a comma after “can”. Append a comma after “example”.
>
> Page 26, section 4.2.1, 3rd sentence: append a comma after “keep-alive”.
>
> Page 27, 5th bullet point: insert “the” before “next”. Change “if even” to
> “even if”. Insert “a” between “for” and “word delimiter”.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, 1st paragraph: insert “the” before “UTF-8”. Change
> “transform” to “transformation”.
[GH] "Encoding" used instead. It seems commonly used.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, “BEL”: change the comma after “session” to a period.
> Capitalize “provides”.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, “NEW LINE”, 3rd sentence: insert “the” before “display”.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, “CR LF”, 1st sentence: delete the comma after
> “supported”.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, “CR LF”, 3rd sentence: insert “the” before “display”.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, “INT ESC”, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “mode”.
>
> Page 28, section 4.2.4, “SGR”, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “rendition”.
>
> Page 29, 1st partial sentence: insert a hyphen between “256” and “bytes”. Then
> change “bytes” to “byte”.
>
> Page 29, “BOM”, 1st sentence: insert “it” before “SHALL”.

[GH] Accepted, but part of the first statement is separated out to a 
sentence of its own: "  It SHALL be deleted from incoming streams."

>
> Page 29, “Missing text mark”, 1st sentence: change the comma after “apostrophe
> ‘” to a period. Insert “It” before “marks”. Insert “the” before “place”. Insert
> “the” before “stream”.
>
> Page 29, “SGR”, 1st sentence: delete the comma after “(SGR)”. Insert “the”
> before “status”.
>
> Page 29, “SGR”, 2nd sentence: change “originated” to “originating”.
>
> Page 29, BS, last sentence: change “not” to “be”.
>
> Page 32, section 6.1, title: drop the “e.g.” in the subsection title.
[GH] Not done. Many countries have their own terms for textphones. In 
USA and a few other countries (Canada, Australia) they are called TTY. 
That term is not understood in other countries. "Textphone" may not be 
understood in USA. Therefore I prefer having both the general term and 
the (e.g., TTYs) in the heading.
>
> Page 32, section 6.1, 2nd paragraph, parenthetical: perhaps you want “i.e.,”
> instead of “e.g.” here given that further down you put “TTYS” in another
> parenthetical as though it weren’t just an example but the only exemplar of
> this type of device under discussion.

[GH] No. I did not mean "i.e.,". "TTY" is just one example with specific 
technology.

So, I suggest to keep this sentence:    "One case that may occur is a 
gateway to PSTN for communication with textphones (e.g., TTYs)."  While 
in the other places where (TTY) was mentioned it is deleted with its 
parenthesis.

>
> Page 32, section 6.1, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: delete “make”. Change
> “adaptions” to “adapt”. Delete “for” before “the functional”. Delete “(TTY)”.

[GH] I also needed to insert "to" before "adapt" to make:

"This solution makes it possible to adapt
    to the functional limitations of the textphone."

>
> Page 32, section 6.1, 3rd paragraph: delete “(TTYs)”.
>
> Page 33, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “a” before “two-way”.
>
> Page 33, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “NAME”.
>
> Page 33, section 7: insert a hyphen between “multiparty” and “mixing” in this
> one instance of that term. Other uses of the term in the document should not be
> hyphenated.
>
> Page 34, section 8, 1st paragraph: I like the sound of the sentence better if
> you swap “valid” and “also”. That’s just me. 
[GH] Accepted so that you will like to read it again.
>
> Page 34, section 8, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert a space between
> “second” and “(“CPS”)”.
>
> Page 34, section 8, 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert “an” before “RTP”.
> Regarding “excess”: in excess of what?
>
> Page 35, section 11, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after “pack”.
>
> Page 35, section 11, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after “CNAME”.
>
> Page 35, section 11, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: I suggest inserting
> “emitting” before “a continuous”. Change the comma after “flow of text” to a
> period. Delete the following “or”. Change the rest of that sentence to read
> something like: “They may also send text that appears to originate from other
> participants.” I rewrote that because the malicious participants don’t
> themselves masquerade as text, although that might be a mildly amusing
> Halloween costume.
>
> Page 35, section 11, 4th paragraph: delete one of “section” or “Section”. You
> capitalize that term interchangeably, so it’s your choice.
>
> Page 35, section 12.1 (when discussing -14 only): change “Cucherawy” to
> “Kucherawy” unless we’re talking about someone else. Yeah, I know these will
> all be deleted upon publication, but it caught my eye. I have not reviewed the
> remainder of the change history entries.
>
>
Thanks again for the thorough review. I have next version ready, also 
including changed caused by security comments and discussed in other mail.

Do you want me to submit the new version.


Regards

Gunnar

-- 
Gunnar Hellström
GHAccess
gunnar.hellstrom@ghaccess.se