Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14
Gunnar Hellström <gunnar.hellstrom@ghaccess.se> Fri, 07 May 2021 18:38 UTC
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To: Peter Yee <peter@akayla.com>, gen-art@ietf.org
Cc: avt@ietf.org, draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix.all@ietf.org, last-call@ietf.org
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From: Gunnar Hellström <gunnar.hellstrom@ghaccess.se>
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Date: Fri, 07 May 2021 20:35:51 +0200
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Subject: Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14
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Continuing with comments and edit proposals from "Nits/editorial comments:" below. Den 2021-05-06 kl. 05:41, skrev Peter Yee via Datatracker: > Reviewer: Peter Yee > Review result: Ready with Issues > > I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. The General Area > Review Team (Gen-ART) reviews all IETF documents being processed > by the IESG for the IETF Chair. Please treat these comments just > like any other last call comments. > > For more information, please see the FAQ at > > <https://trac.ietf.org/trac/gen/wiki/GenArtfaq>. > > Document: draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14 > Reviewer: Peter Yee > Review Date: 2021-05-05 > IETF LC End Date: 2021-05-03 > IESG Telechat date: Not scheduled for a telechat > > Summary: This draft specifies updates to RFC 4103 to allow real-time text > mixing for both multiparty-aware and multiparty-unaware participants. It has > some minor issues that should be addressed before publication. [Ready with > issues] > > Major issues: None > > Minor issues: [GH] Covered in a recent response. > > > Nits/editorial comments: > > General: > Change “multi-party” to “multiparty” throughout the document. While we are a > bit inconsistent about that particular hyphenation within the IETF, all major > dictionaries I sampled spell this as a single, non-hyphenated word. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Append a comma after each instance of “e.g.”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Change “multiparty aware” to “multiparty-aware” throughout the document except > in two cases where you “multiparty awareness”, which should be left alone. > These are located in section 4.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence and section 6.1, > 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Change “fall-back” to “fallback” in a few places in the document. Both uses are > found in the document. [GH] Accepted and done. > Change “RTP-mixer based” to “RTP-mixer-based” throughout the document. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Change “multiparty capable” to “multiparty-capable” throughout the document. [GH] I suggest to change to "multiparty-aware" instead for consistency. > > Delete periods at the end of section/subsection titles, e.g., section 6.2. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Specific: > > Page 1, Abstract, 1st sentence: I’d rewrite it in the active voice as: “This > document provides enhancements for RFC 4103 real-time text mixing suitable for > a centralized conference model that enables source identification and rapidly > interleaved transmission of text from different sources.” [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 1, Abstract, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert a hyphen between > “multiparty” and “coded”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 5, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: I think I would change “in” to “at”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 5, 7th paragraph, 3rd sentence: delete “any”. Change “way” to “ways”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 6, section 1.1, 2nd paragraph: insert “are” before “as”. [GH] Recently changed to just "are defined in" by proposal in another review. I suggest to keep that. > > Page 6, section 1.1, “WebRTC” term: change “web based” to “web-based”. Insert > “real-time” before “communication”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 6, “DTLS-SRTP” term: delete “stands for security”. Insert “is a DTLS > extension for use with SRTP/SRTCP” before “specified”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 6, “multiparty-aware” term: change “stands for” to “describes”. Append a > comma after “real-time” before “separated”. Append a comma after “source”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 6, “multiparty-unaware”: change “stands for” to “describes”. [GH] Accepted and done.Your use of hyphen in "multiparty-unaware" made me understand that that term also should be hyphenated all through the document. Done. > > Pages 7 and 8: delete the period after each of the non-indented lines, e.g., at > the end of “Multiple RTP streams, one per participant.” [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 7, 1st block, 4th sentence: change “end to end” to “end-to-end”. [GH] Accepted and done. Done also in one more location in 3.19 inserted in version -16. > > Page 7, 1st block, 11th sentence: append a comma after “participant”. Delete > the following “and”. Insert “with” before “no”. [GH] Accepted and done. > > Page 7, 1st block, 14th sentence: change “implementation” to “implementations” > and delete “technologies” unless you really want the problem is in regards to > technologies and not particular implementations. [GH] Accepted and done, it looks better this way even if the problem may be common in certain implementation technologies. > > Page 7, 1st block 15th sentence: change “made” to “led to”. Insert “being” > before “only”. [GH] Accepted and done. From here all comments are accepted and done as proposed except where a specific answer is provided. > > Page 7, 2nd block, 1st sentence: insert “a” before “shorter”. Insert “the” > before source”. Insert “the” before “CSRC”. Append field after “CSRC”. > > Page 7, 2nd block, 2nd sentence: insert “a” before the quoted “text/t140”. > > Page 7, 2nd block, 3rd sentence: delete the whole sentence. > > Page 7, 2nd block, 6th sentence: move “with” before “receivers”. Insert “having > the” before “default”. > > Page 8, 1st partial block, 2nd full sentence: insert “it” before “corresponds”. > > Page 8, 1st full block, 6th sentence: change “be varying” to “vary”. > > Page 8, 1st full block, 9th sentence: change “while” to “When”. > > Page 9, section 1.3, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: change “calltaker” to “call > taker”. Change “observing” to “to observe”. > > Page 11, section 2.4, 3rd paragraph: append a comma after “CSRC-list”. > > Page 12, section 3.1, 4th paragraph: change “From other aspects” to “In other > regards”. > > Page 13, section 3.4, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert a hyphen between “10” > and “second”. > > Page 13, section 3.4, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: delete “a” before “good”. > > Page 13, section 3.4, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “SHALL be” before > “sent”. Insert “the” before “end”. > > Page 13, section 3.4, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: Append a period at the end > of the sentence. > > Page 13, section 3.4, 3rd paragraph: change “in” to “as”. > > Page 13, section 3.6: insert a hyphen between “locally” and “produced”. Append > “text” after “produced”. > > Page 14, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: delete the comma after “T140blocks”. > > Page 14, section 3.10, 1st paragraph after the bullet points, 1st sentence: > insert “the” before “time”. > > Page 15, section 3.11, 2nd paragraph: append a comma after “switch”. Change > “poulated” to “populated”. > > Page 15, section 3.12, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “next”. > > Page 15, section 3.12, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “next”. > > Page 15, section 3.12, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “number” to “level”. > > Page 16, section 3.14, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete an extraneous space > after “(“. > > Page 16, section 3.14, 1st paragraph, last sentence: insert “self-sourced” > before “data”. Delete “that it is source of itself”. > > Page 16, section 3.16, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after > “CNAME”. > > Page 17, section 3.17.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “The receiver > SHALL monitor”. Change “The” to “the”. Delete “SHALL be monitored”. > > Page 17, section 3.17.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after > “case”. Insert “the receiver SHALL create” before “a t140block”. Delete “SHALL > be created”. I’m suggesting but not certain that you might want to change “and > assigned” to “associated with”. [GH] Accepted and done, but also "accociated" is changed to "associate it" and "inserted" to "insert it" to match the grammar in the beginning of the sentence. > > Page 17, section 3.17.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change “if” to “whether” > if you are amenable to that wording. > > Page 18, 2nd paragraph: delete an extraneous blank line before this paragraph. > > Page 18, section 3.18, 1st sentence: insert a hyphen between “10” and “second”. > > Page 19, section 3.19, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “session”. Insert > “the” before “media”. > > Page 19, section 3.19, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “media”. Consider > deleting “security by”. > > Page 19, section 3.19, 5th sentence: change “is” to “are”. > > Page 20, section 3.21, 4th sentence: append a period after “etc”. > > Page 21, 1st partial paragraph, 1st full sentence: insert “a” before “dropped”. > > Page 21, 1st full paragraph, 1st sentence: delete an extraneous space after > “(“. Where the word “area” occurs, would that make more sense as “buffer” or > “queue”? [GH] Accepted and done. "area" changed to "buffer" only for this occurrance. > > Page 21, 1st full paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “initial” before the first > “text”. > > Page 22, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “in” to “due to”. > > Page 22, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “packets” before “103”. Delete the > comma after “103”. > > Page 22, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: there appears to be an adverb missing > before “the”. Perhaps “during”? [GH] Accepted and done. "during" used. > > Page 22, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “21040” to “21060”. > > Page 22, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change “needs” to “need”. > > Page 22, 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “21150” to “21160”. > > Page 23, section 4, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete “and”. > > Page 23, section 4, 3rd paragraph: consider changing “of” before “the text” to > “conveyed in”. > > Page 24, 1st full paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert “a” before “replacement”. > > Page 24, 1st full paragraph, 4th sentence: change “just” to “the same”. > > Page 26, section 4.2, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert a hyphen between > “best” and “effort”. > > Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after > “simulated”. > > Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 4th sentence: change “is depending” to > “depends”. > > Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 5th sentence: change “switch” to > “switching”. Append a comma after “can”. Append a comma after “example”. > > Page 26, section 4.2.1, 3rd sentence: append a comma after “keep-alive”. > > Page 27, 5th bullet point: insert “the” before “next”. Change “if even” to > “even if”. Insert “a” between “for” and “word delimiter”. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, 1st paragraph: insert “the” before “UTF-8”. Change > “transform” to “transformation”. [GH] "Encoding" used instead. It seems commonly used. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, “BEL”: change the comma after “session” to a period. > Capitalize “provides”. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, “NEW LINE”, 3rd sentence: insert “the” before “display”. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, “CR LF”, 1st sentence: delete the comma after > “supported”. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, “CR LF”, 3rd sentence: insert “the” before “display”. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, “INT ESC”, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “mode”. > > Page 28, section 4.2.4, “SGR”, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “rendition”. > > Page 29, 1st partial sentence: insert a hyphen between “256” and “bytes”. Then > change “bytes” to “byte”. > > Page 29, “BOM”, 1st sentence: insert “it” before “SHALL”. [GH] Accepted, but part of the first statement is separated out to a sentence of its own: " It SHALL be deleted from incoming streams." > > Page 29, “Missing text mark”, 1st sentence: change the comma after “apostrophe > ‘” to a period. Insert “It” before “marks”. Insert “the” before “place”. Insert > “the” before “stream”. > > Page 29, “SGR”, 1st sentence: delete the comma after “(SGR)”. Insert “the” > before “status”. > > Page 29, “SGR”, 2nd sentence: change “originated” to “originating”. > > Page 29, BS, last sentence: change “not” to “be”. > > Page 32, section 6.1, title: drop the “e.g.” in the subsection title. [GH] Not done. Many countries have their own terms for textphones. In USA and a few other countries (Canada, Australia) they are called TTY. That term is not understood in other countries. "Textphone" may not be understood in USA. Therefore I prefer having both the general term and the (e.g., TTYs) in the heading. > > Page 32, section 6.1, 2nd paragraph, parenthetical: perhaps you want “i.e.,” > instead of “e.g.” here given that further down you put “TTYS” in another > parenthetical as though it weren’t just an example but the only exemplar of > this type of device under discussion. [GH] No. I did not mean "i.e.,". "TTY" is just one example with specific technology. So, I suggest to keep this sentence: "One case that may occur is a gateway to PSTN for communication with textphones (e.g., TTYs)." While in the other places where (TTY) was mentioned it is deleted with its parenthesis. > > Page 32, section 6.1, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: delete “make”. Change > “adaptions” to “adapt”. Delete “for” before “the functional”. Delete “(TTY)”. [GH] I also needed to insert "to" before "adapt" to make: "This solution makes it possible to adapt to the functional limitations of the textphone." > > Page 32, section 6.1, 3rd paragraph: delete “(TTYs)”. > > Page 33, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “a” before “two-way”. > > Page 33, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “NAME”. > > Page 33, section 7: insert a hyphen between “multiparty” and “mixing” in this > one instance of that term. Other uses of the term in the document should not be > hyphenated. > > Page 34, section 8, 1st paragraph: I like the sound of the sentence better if > you swap “valid” and “also”. That’s just me. [GH] Accepted so that you will like to read it again. > > Page 34, section 8, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert a space between > “second” and “(“CPS”)”. > > Page 34, section 8, 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert “an” before “RTP”. > Regarding “excess”: in excess of what? > > Page 35, section 11, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after “pack”. > > Page 35, section 11, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after “CNAME”. > > Page 35, section 11, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: I suggest inserting > “emitting” before “a continuous”. Change the comma after “flow of text” to a > period. Delete the following “or”. Change the rest of that sentence to read > something like: “They may also send text that appears to originate from other > participants.” I rewrote that because the malicious participants don’t > themselves masquerade as text, although that might be a mildly amusing > Halloween costume. > > Page 35, section 11, 4th paragraph: delete one of “section” or “Section”. You > capitalize that term interchangeably, so it’s your choice. > > Page 35, section 12.1 (when discussing -14 only): change “Cucherawy” to > “Kucherawy” unless we’re talking about someone else. Yeah, I know these will > all be deleted upon publication, but it caught my eye. I have not reviewed the > remainder of the change history entries. > > Thanks again for the thorough review. I have next version ready, also including changed caused by security comments and discussed in other mail. Do you want me to submit the new version. Regards Gunnar -- Gunnar Hellström GHAccess gunnar.hellstrom@ghaccess.se
- [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ietf-a… Peter Yee via Datatracker
- Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ie… Gunnar Hellström
- Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ie… Gunnar Hellström
- Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ie… Peter Yee
- Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ie… Peter Yee
- Re: [Gen-art] [Last-Call] Genart last call review… Gunnar Hellström
- Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ie… Gunnar Hellström
- Re: [Gen-art] [Last-Call] Genart last call review… Lars Eggert