Re: [Gen-art] Genart last call review of draft-ietf-v6ops-dhcp-pd-per-device-07

[Jen Linkova <[e-mail]>]

Hi Peter,

Thank you for such a detailed review.

I'm still struggling with fixing the drawing, so I'm going to spend more
time on it.
All other comments have been addressed (well, will be as soon as we submit
-08), except for this one:

> Page 14, section 13, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after
“threat”.

In my rendered version that sentence is:
"The privacy implications of
   this are equivalent to the privacy implications of networks using
   stateful DHCPv6 address assignment: in both cases, the IPv6 addresses
   are determined by the server, either because the server assigns a
   full 128-bit address in a shared prefix, or because the server
   determines what prefix is delegated to the client."

and doesn't contain "threat" at all - actually I do not think the draft
contains that word.


On Thu, Mar 7, 2024 at 4:03 PM Peter Yee via Datatracker <[e-mail]>
wrote:

> Reviewer: Peter Yee
> Review result: Ready with Nits
>
> I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. The General Area Review
> Team
> (Gen-ART) reviews all IETF documents being processed by the IESG for the
> IETF
> Chair.  Please treat these comments just like any other last call comments.
>
> For more information, please see the FAQ at
>
> <https://wiki.ietf.org/en/group/gen/GenArtFAQ>.
>
> Document: draft-ietf-v6ops-dhcp-pd-per-device-07
> Reviewer: Peter Yee
> Review Date: 2024-03-06
> IETF LC End Date: 2024-02-12
> IESG Telechat date: 2024-04-04
>
> Summary:
>
> This informational specification suggests an IPv6 deployment scenario in
> which
> clients are allocated unique prefixes instead of using a common prefix for
> all
> on-link clients. While I find the arguments for this scheme compelling,
> I’m not
> sufficiently knowledgeable enough about enterprise deployments to know if
> there
> are hidden dragons. The document is well written and makes its case with
> multiple arguments. There are some really minor nits that ought to be
> addressed
> before moving the document along, but nothing critical. How to resolve the
> text
> and PDF misformatting issues is not clear, but these versions should not be
> relied upon unless they are resolved. Please accept my apologies for the
> lateness of this review. [Ready with Nits]
>
> Major issues: None
>
> Minor issues: None
>
> Nits/editorial comments:
>
> General
>
> Where it occurs, ensure that all uses of “e.g.” are followed by a comma.
> The
> document is inconsistent in this regard.
>
> Specific
>
> Page 3, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: append a period after “etc”.
>
> Page 3, 1st paragraph, last sentence: insert “an” before “arbitrary”
>
> Page 4, 3rd bullet point, 3rd sentence: append a comma after “devices”.
>
> Page 5, Figure 1: in the figure, choose whether you want to capitalize
> “router”
> – it’s done differently in the two blocks for the First-hop
> [Rr]outer/DHCPv6
> relay. Also, in the paginated text version of the document (which is the
> form
> in which I review Internet-Drafts), for some reason, the second First-hop
> Router/DHCPv6 relay’s second Route ends in “ccc” instead of “cccc”. This
> is not
> evident in the HTML version of the document, so something’s going amiss in
> the
> conversion.
>
> Page 6, figure title: Is there any way you can get this to stick with the
> actual figure in the text version of the document? It’s also off in the PDF
> version, although the PDF suffers from other problems with the figure that
> may
> well be outside of your control.
>
> Page 6, second bullet item: insert “a” before “high number”.
>
> Page 6, third bullet item: append a comma after “logging”.
>
> Page 7, first bullet item: append a comma after “etc”.
>
> Page 8, 1st paragraph, 5th sentence: the text says, “clients always use
> multicast unless the server explicitly allows it using the Server Unicast
> option”. If the antecedent of “it” is “multicast”, then the phrase seems
> confusing. Why does it say “unless”? If the antecedent is supposed to be
> “unicast”, then then that phrase might better be rewritten as “clients
> always
> use multicast unless the server explicitly allows unicast using the Server
> Unicast option”.
>
> Page 9, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “onlink” to “on link” for
> self-consistent usage and to match RFC 4861 usage as well. Do this
> throughout
> the document as the usage is inconsistent in other places as well.
>
> Page 10, 4th bullet item: change “WiFI” to “Wi-Fi”.
>
> Page 11, 2nd bullet item, last sentence: append a comma after “Therefore”.
>
> Page 12, last paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “Neighbour” to “Neighbor”.
>
> Page 12, last paragraph, 3rd sentence: change “clients’s” to “clients’”.
>
> Page 13, 1st bullet item, 1st sentence: change the “an” before “unique” to
> “a”.
>
> Page 13, 2nd bullet item, last sentence: append a comma after “Therefore”.
>
> Page 13, 1st paragraph after the bullet items, 2nd sentence: change
> “depened”
> to “depend”.
>
> Page 13, section 12, 1st bullet item, 1st sentence: append an apostrophe
> after
> “devices”.
>
> Page 14, 6th bullet item, 1st sentence: change “clients” to “clients’”.
>
> Page 14, 7th bullet item, 2nd sentence: I’d strike “like” and “it” without
> losing any meaning.
>
> Page 14, section 13, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after
> “threat”.
>
> Page 15, section 15, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “rate limits” to
> “rate-limits”.
>
> Page 16, section 16, 2nd sentence: append a comma after “temporary
> address”.
>
> Page 16, section 16, 4th sentence: change “host’s” to “host”.
>
> Page 16, 1st bullet item, 1st sentence: change “muliple” to “multiple”.
>
> Page 16, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: append a comma after “result”.
>
> Page 16, 2nd bullet item: insert a space between “[RFC4193]” and “and”.
> Append
> a comma after “together”.
>
> Page 16, 1st paragraph after bullet items, 2nd sentence: delete “the”
> before
> “network resources”.
>
> Page 16, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “amount of”.
>
> Page 16, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: append a comma after “perform ND
> proxy”.
>
> Page 16, 2nd paragraph, 4th sentence: delete “a” before “single”.
>
> Page 16, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: append a comma after “case”. Change
> “implict” to “implicit”.
>
> Page 20, acknowledgements: append a comma after “input”. Change
> “contribution”
> to “contributions”.
>
>
>
>

-- 
Cheers, Jen Linkova