Re: [Gen-art] Gen-ART Telechat review of draft-ietf-lmap-use-cases-05

[<[e-mail]>]

Ben, Jari,

thanks for the follow-up, here are some further proposals 
phil

> The following are editorial comments from my original review that I think need further work:
>> -- 2.1, third bullet, last sentence:
>>
>> The sentence hard to parse. Is the first comma intended?
>
> The sentence needs work. Suggestion:
>
> "The ISP requires visibility into the end-to-end performance of home and enterprise networks,..."

OLD

      o Understanding the quality experienced by customers. Alongside
      benchmarking competitors, gaining better insight into the user's
      service through a sample panel of the operator's own customers.
      The ISP requires a performance viewpoint of the end-to-end
      perspective, which includes: home/enterprise networks; peering
      points; Content Delivery Networks (CDNs); etc.

PROPOSED NEW

      o Understanding the quality experienced by customers. The network operator would like to gain better insight into the end-to-end performance experienced by its customers. This could incorporate home and enterprise networks, and the impact of peering, caching and Content Delivery Networks (CDNs). 

>> -- 3.1, 1st para, sentence starting with "The panel..."
>>
>> I'm confused by the nested lists, nested parentheses, and unexplained ellipses. Also, it seems to contain a comma splice. Are there missing words?
>
> The comma splice is fixed. The nested lists and ellipses are still confusing. You might consider splitting lists out into separate "For example" sentences.

OLD
The panel needs to include a representative sample for
   each of the operator's technologies (fiber, Hybrid Fibre-coaxial
   (HFC), DSL...) and broadband speeds (80Mb/s, 20Mb/s, basic...). 

PROPOSED NEW
The panel needs to include a representative sample of the operator's technologies and broadband speeds. For instance it might encompass speeds ranging from sub 8Mbps to over 100Mbps.

> I also suggest dropping "(say)" and and the sentence-starting "So..." from later in the paragraph.

agreed.
OLD
The operator would like the end-to-end view of
   the service, rather than (say) just the access portion.  So as well as
   simple network statistics like speed and loss rates, they want to
   understand what the service feels like to the customer. 

NEW
The operator would like the end-to-end view of
   the service, rather than just the access portion.

>> - 3.1, 1st para:
>>
>> Can you provide a definition or reference for "mean opinion score"?
>
> Not addressed.

If a reference is really needed, then i guess http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mean_opinion_score will do.

>> -- 3.2:
>> Overly complex sentence structure. Consider breaking into bullet lists. Something seems messed up near " along the lines..." . Maybe a cut and paste error?
> The bullet list improves things. Bullet 2 still contains a list of examples  in the form of comma-spliced sentences.

OLD
      o Understand the impact of IPv6 before it makes it available to
      customers (will v6 packets get through, what will the latency be
      to major websites, what transition mechanisms will be most
      appropriate?)

PROPOSED NEW
      o Understand the impact of IPv6 before it is made available to
      customers. Questions such as these could be assessed: will v6 packets get through? what will the latency be
      to major websites? what transition mechanisms will be most appropriate?

>> -- 4.1, 1st para, last sentence: "... mandate transparent information made available..."
>> Should that be "... be made available..."?
> Fix attempted, but new typo "imade" introduced".

OLD
In some jurisdictions regulators mandate that transparent
   information imade available about service offers.

NEW
In some jurisdictions regulators mandate that transparent
   information be made available about service offers.

>> -- 4.2, 3rd paragraph:
>> Can you offer a definition for "probes"?
> Not addressed.

I don't want to address this one. Formal terminology is in the LMAP framework, including the definition of "measurement agent". In this document we used the more informal term "probe", as it seems easy to understand without a formal definition. Since this use cases doc might have a wider readership, we wanted to avoid terminology and just give the reader the motivations and usages of LMAP measurement information.