[Gen-art] Re: Gen-ART Review of draft-ietf-16ng-ps-goals-03

Thanks for the quick response!

I think that the changes you propose will address my comments.

Thanks!

Ben.

On Dec 10, 2007, at 8:24 PM, Junghoon Jee wrote:

> Dear Ben Campbell,
> Thank you for carefully reviewing the draft.
> Please find inline replies.
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Ben Campbell" <ben@estacado.net>
> To: "General Area Review Team" <gen-art@ietf.org>
> Cc: <jari.arkko@piuha.net>; <maximilian.riegel@nsn.com>; <soohong.park@samsung.com 
> >; <gabriel_montenegro_2000@yahoo.com>; <jeff@streetwaves- 
> networks.com>; <smadanapalli@gmail.com>; <jhjee@etri.re.kr>; <townsley@cisco.com 
> >
> Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 2:31 AM
> Subject: Gen-ART Review of draft-ietf-16ng-ps-goals-03
>
>
>>
>> I have been selected as the General Area Review Team (Gen-ART)
>> reviewer for this draft (for background on Gen-ART, please see
>> http://www.alvestrand.no/ietf/gen/art/gen-art-FAQ.html).
>>
>> Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments
>> you may receive.
>>
>>
>> Document: draft-ietf-16ng-ps-goals-03
>> Reviewer: Ben Campbell
>> Review Date:  10 December 2007
>> IETF LC End Date:  10 December 2007
>> IESG Telechat date: (if known)
>>
>> Summary:
>>
>> This document is almost ready for publication as an informational  
>> RFC.
>> There are some editorial nits that should be addressed prior to
>> publication.
>>
>> Comments:
>>
>> General: There are many occurrences of missing articles ("a", "an",  
>> or
>> "the") or the occasional use of an article where it does not belong.
>> While I assume that the RFC editors will fix these, it would same  
>> them
>> some work if you did an additional proofreading pass for this sort of
>> thing.
>
> Yes, additional proofreading will be done ASAP and the next revision  
> will apply the correction.
>
>>
>> Terminology Section, Definition of "Ethernet CS":
>>
>> It would be helpful to have a reference for 802.16 STD.
>
> That part will be amended that part like below:
> Ethernet CS: It means 802.3/Ethernet CS specific part of the Packet  
> CS defined in [IEEE802.16].
>
> IP CS terminology will also reference [IEEE802.16].
>
>>
>> Section 4.1, paragraph 7: "In the first point-to-point link model..."
>>
>> I think you mean to refer to the first model in the preceding list,
>> which is the point-to-point link model. The wording sounds like you
>> mean the first of a set of point-to-point link models, which is
>> incorrect. I suggest just dropping the word "first".
>
> Right!
> Let me drop that word.
>
>> A similar issue occurs in paragraph 9 ("In the second Ethernet like
>> link model...") and 11 ("The last shared IPv6 prefix link model")
>
> Let me drop the 'second' and 'last' in them.
>
>> Section 4.1, paragraph 9: "There needs mechanisms ..."
>>
>> It looks like some words are missing from this sentence.
>
> Let me try to apply the following change:
> - From: There needs mechanisms like IEEE 802.1D to realize multicast  
> and broadcast for Ethernet CS.
> - To: Therefore, we need a mechanism like 802.1D to realize  
> multicast and broadcast.
>
>>
>>
>> Section 4.1, paragraph 10, starting with "Moreover, the frequent IP
>> multicast..."
>>
>> I had trouble parsing this paragraph in general. Also, Is "IP subnet
>> like ethernet" the same as "Ethernet like link model"?
>
> Let me try to apply the following change:
> - From: Moreover, the frequent IP multicast and broadcast signaling  
> within the IP subnet like Ethernet needs to be avoided not to wake  
> up sleep/idle [IEEE802.16e] SSs.
> - To: Moreover, the frequent IP multicast and broadcast signaling  
> should be avoided not to wake up sleep/idle [IEEE802.16e] SSs.
>
>
>>
>> Section 4.1, last paragraph:
>>
>> "According to the point-to-point feature of 802.16's MAC, the Point-
>>   to-Point link model is the feasible IP Subnet model for IP CS under
>>   considering the multilink subnet problems. "
>>
>> I cannot parse this sentence--please rephrase.
>
> Let me try to apply the following change:
> - From: According to the point-to-point feature of 802.16's MAC, the  
> Point-to-Point link model is the feasible IP Subnet model for IP CS  
> under considering the multilink subnet problems.
> - To: According to the point-to-point feature of 802.16's MAC, the  
> Point-to-Point link model is the feasible IP Subnet model in case of  
> the IP CS.
>
>> Thanks!
>>
>> Ben Campbell.
>>
>
> Best Regards,
> Junghoon

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