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Re: [Ianaplan] A draft for your review

"Martin J. Dürst" <duerst@it.aoyama.ac.jp> Sat, 25 October 2014 07:52 UTC

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Date: Sat, 25 Oct 2014 16:51:50 +0900
From: "\"Martin J. Dürst\"" <duerst@it.aoyama.ac.jp>
Organization: Aoyama Gakuin University
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To: justinelera@gmail.com, Eliot Lear <lear@cisco.com>
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Cc: ianaplan@ietf.org, Suzanne Woolf <suzworldwide@gmail.com>, S Moonesamy <sm+ietf@elandsys.com>
Subject: Re: [Ianaplan] A draft for your review
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On 2014/10/25 16:03, Justine Lera wrote:

> I think the doubling of 'include' and 'participant' in one sentence is the
> stumbling block here.
> Perhaps the following will do?
>
> " It is important to note that the IETF includes anyone who wishes to
> participate.  Such participants can be, are normally are, staff and other
> affiliated persons from ICANN or the Regional Internet Registries (RIRs),"

Splitting the sentence is a big step formard. But the second sentence 
needs a bit of cleanup, e.g. like so:

"Such participants can and do include staff and other affiliated persons 
from ICANN or the Regional Internet Registries (RIRs)."

Regards,   Martin.

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