Re: IESG Statement On Oppressive or Exclusionary Language

[Dan Harkins <[e-mail]>]

On 8/7/20 12:34 PM, Richard Barnes wrote:
>
> On Fri, Aug 7, 2020 at 2:43 PM Dan Harkins <[e-mail] 
> <mailto:[e-mail]>> wrote:
>
>       I received actual feedback from actual people who claimed they were
>     harmed by my first couple emails on the subject. What was the
>     harm? One
>     was that this person was considering blocking me in his email filter
>     (i.e. putting me in a "denylist") because of my statements. The
>     harm would be to the IETF because it would prevent the kinds of
>     fruitful
>     technical discussions that I had had with this person in the past.
>
>       Now, that's the kind of thing an emotionally abusive person
>     does. It's
>     "do what I say or you'll force me to do something you'll regret and it
>     will be all your fault". That's messed-up and I don't put up with
>     those
>     kind of mind games. So while I too received real actual feedback from
>     real actual people I dismissed it.
>
>       Your actual feedback sounds like the same sorts of mind games-- "if
>     this discussion continues I'll give up on the IETF and you'll regret
>     it!"
>
>
> On the contrary, it is perfectly healthy behavior to refuse to engage 
> with people who dismiss your sincere concerns and whose behavior makes 
> your life more difficult. And to communicate to them that their 
> behavior is causing you to disengage.

   On the contrary, it's a sign of emotionally abusive individual to appeal
to feelings and deny agency for action or project responsibility onto 
others.
"You're hurting me for not doing what I want" is a warning sign of an
abusive personality.

   We shouldn't encourage or reward such manipulative behavior or we'll end
up getting more of it.

   DNH.

> --RLB